today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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