Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just gift wrapped bread.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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