I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
