I cut my penus on the lid.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
