Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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