so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
