Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im just a social blackout drinker.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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