hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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