What a fucking waste of an outfit
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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