I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
