I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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