My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
