Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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