I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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