fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
