Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
