dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
