your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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