saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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