Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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