Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
