It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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