First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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