my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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