Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
