Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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