What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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