Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
