I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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