Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize