So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
