She announced her abortion via fbk
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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