Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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