you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
