don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
