He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
