By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
