can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
