its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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