I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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