He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
