I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
