I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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