She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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