i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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