I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
