can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
