There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
