I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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