dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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