thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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