Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
