I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
