Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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