Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
