bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
