I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
