IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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