You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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