Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
